Elbows and Planes: How Do You Handle Conflict?
Some people get it and some people don’t. I’m not sure why. I truly don’t believe we are born with it. We are given a choice. A choice to pay attention. A choice to care. A choice to be aware. Scientists call this social awareness now. It’s a part of EQ and RQ.
Recently I was on a small plane from Charlotte, NC, to Harrisburg, PA, and there was not any extra space. The gentleman sat down next to me and proceeded to let his elbows flow into my seat zone. Usually when this happens the perpetrator quickly realizes that comfort isn’t an option they invested in during the flight and adjust accordingly. However, this time was different. This time … his shoulder, his elbows, his arm was in constant awkward contact. He didn’t budge. He continued in place. And this man was not a man who needs to take this much space. It was obvious he didn’t start for his High School football team. He wasn’t a lineman.
It was awkward.
We’ve all been there ... wishing the person we were forced to interact with, work with, do business with had a semblance of social awareness. Do they understand what they said, the context of the situation, where they are …?
I’m not sure what emotions you feel in these moments, but I feel frustration, confusion, anger, disappointment, bewilderment.
And, with each feeling we have a choice.
How do I proceed with Mr. Elbows?
How do you proceed with a customer who doesn’t understand boundaries?
How do you proceed with the team member who is clueless about life outside of themselves?
With whatever our next move is, we need to remember that we have the choice to move forward with Relationship Intelligence (RQ) in these moments. We have the choice to adjust our approach in a manner that honors the person we're utterly frustrated with. We have the choice to lead from where we are rooted, stay consistent with our values, and attempt to get a result in a win/win manner.
We have a few options. We all have our go to response, but our natural response is not always the best response for us and not always the best for the person we are interacting with.
The SDI 2.0 reveals our unique conflict sequence in one of the four views of a leader. In conflict people do 1 of 3 things first. They accommodate, assert, or analyze.
Accommodate | This is when we pretend not to care in the moment and move on hoping everything gets better. However, when we accommodate, most people assume we are in alignment and okay with what’s happening. This might work on a 20 minute flight, but 90 minutes of frustration might hit a boiling point.
Assert | This is when we speak up right away to clarify an expectation or decision. This option forces a choice from the other person. They either comply or become combative. Sometimes it is helpful and sometimes it’s not.
Analyze | This is when we think through all of the scenarios, rules, and options, before making a decision. You start to research the unwritten rules of who gets the arm rest along with other airplane etiquette. You let the data you found drive the decision.
No one wakes up hoping to deal with someone with no awareness, but, when we do, it’s worth considering our options to accommodate, assert, or analyze. It’s important to remember we have a choice in how we respond not how we feel. So let’s know that our feelings don’t have to drive our decisions. We can honor the people we work with and drive for positive results.
The key is to remember what’s most important and what your goal is before taking action!
If you have found yourself struggling to handle challenging situations in healthy or effective ways, then set up a coaching call and let’s see if this is the right time for executive coaching. If you are handling everything that comes your way, but you are losing sight of yourself and what’s important, then set up a time to chat.
It’s crucial to love life at work and love life at home. We can’t let the Mr. Elbows in our midst keep us from that priority!
