Last week my wife and I were enjoying a quiet a dinner by the docks of Cape Coral when something unexpected happened. I try not to work while on a date, but this experience was just too good not to capture and share. 

I think this mini story encapsulates what many of our clients and us (Insight) have experienced for many years. During some of our communication sessions we discuss the difference between our intentions and perceptions (specifically, how what we intend is perceived). When there is a disconnect there can be conflict and frustration. 

So … there we were on the docks enjoying incredible seafood and a large group was sat about 5 feet away from us. This group resembled a sorority/fraternity gathering, but they were all in their mid-to late twenties. There were probably more Instagram poses than drinks on the table. 

Then it happened. A 10-year-old girl walked out of the restaurant with her siblings and saw the “happy birthday” crown and confidently shouted with zero awareness, “Hey – Happy Birthday, how old are you?”. No one responded, but on her third try the table gave the little girl their attention. The little girl, full of innocence, blurted out once again, “Happy Birthday, how old are you today?” The young woman happily exclaimed, “I’m 26!” Then the little girl stole the night and said, “That’s great! My mom is 26 too! Happy Birthday!” 

I kid you not, for a moment you could hear a pin drop on those docks in shock and awe and so I shouted over, “Happy Birthday!!!”

The celebration from the young girl was completely innocent and meaningful. However, the birthday girl heard it as an insult. 

We’ve all been there on both sides of the story. 

• We’ve shared feedback and thoughts at work and home in a way that completely missed the mark.

• We’ve heard feedback and ideas from others that left us reeling when really, they were trying to help.

Often, it seems our first attempt to communicate with clarity falls flat. So, we have three choices: 

1. Remain clueless to the impact our words have on others and not develop our awareness.

2. Sense the disconnect but shy away from fixing the misunderstanding.

3. Practice positive regard and ask questions to gain more understanding and clarity. 

This is a microcosm of what happens through social media daily. Quotes are taken out of context and people are disregarded with no opportunity to have a dialogue about intent and meaning. We see the hurt this can cause. But it makes me think – when we don’t practice positive regard for people, and we don’t ask questions to gain more clarity we do the same thing to the people we serve as leaders (and the same is usually true at home). The result is always the same – chaotic conflict, hurt feelings, and/or frustration. 

So, what do we do? 

We practice Relationship Intelligence on a daily basis. We think about who we have the opportunity to work with and what’s important to them. We think about how we can frame up a message to honor the person we are communicating with and when we don’t do it well, we apologize and try again. When someone else does not communicate well to us, we remember they are like that 12-year-old girl saying Happy Birthday … there is no malice involved … we just heard it differently. 

Daily we help leaders work through how to communicate, manage and lead more effectively so they can love life at work and love life at home. We leverage a tool called the SDI 2.0 to help us do that. 

If this article resonates and you see a need to improve your communication or responses to other people miscommunicating shoot a note to michael@insightlg.com and I will connect you to one of our coaches who will help you grow in your Relationship Intelligence a day a time. 

And, if it’s your birthday… "Happy Birthday".